


I Hate Clowns

by Craftdragon



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Bens a fucking sweetheart, But he could also fucking destroy you, Mike has a furry past, Multi, Richie Tozier Flirts, Richie and Beverly are THE friendship goals, Stanley Uris is a Good Friend, chat fic, texting fic, theyre all like 16
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-03
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-21 06:23:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21294989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Craftdragon/pseuds/Craftdragon
Summary: Stanley: Goodnight, I hope you dream of subpar microwave pizza that tastes slightly soggy and leaves you mildly disappointed.Bill: I am truly terrified of you stan
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Bill Denbrough/Stanley Uris, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Kudos: 72





	1. Mcflurry time

**Richie** has added **Beverly, Eddie, Stanley, Bill, Mike **and **Ben**

**Richie** has named the chat **I Hate Clowns**

**Beverly:** Richie!!! My son!!!

**Richie:** H-Hewwo?

**Beverly:** uwuwuwuwuwuwuwuwu

**Richie**: owowowoowowowowowo

**Stanley:** Fucking hell.

**Richie:** Ew is that g r a m m a r I see? Dis,.ust;’]an-lg

**Beverly**: agreed using grammar, punctuation or even capitals over text is a fucking sin and i hope the weight of those sins crushes you beneath them in a slow and agonising death

**Bill:** This chat hasn’t even been around for five minutes and there are already death threats

**Richie:** you cant seriously tell me youre surprised by this big bill

**Stanley: **For fucks sake Richie, just use some fucking punctuation for once.

**Richie:** no

**Bill:** To say im surprised by it would be a lie and you know it Rich

**Richie:** I doubt there’s anything bev or I could do that would surprise any of you anymore

**Stanley;** It’s true but it hurts.

**Beverly:** Richie and I’s chaotic nature is a gift and you should all feel honoured to be able to experience it everyday

**Richie:** God if I wasn’t head over heels for my dearest eds I would be getting on one knee right now

**Stanley:** Wouldn’t it make more sense to drive to her Aunts house and _then_ propose to her? Or are you going to just drop to one knee in the middle of your own bedroom?

**Richie:** Bold of you to assume im even in my own house right now

**Bill:** That’s so scary what the fuck?

**Beverly:** I gotta agree with my mans Bill on this one Rich, last time you said something like that we found you high in the barrens trying to climb a tree

**Richie: **Ah, no need to worry my dearest Beverly.

**Stanley:** Oh fuck, he’s actually speaking like a normal person for once.

**Bill:** wtf Richie are u okay??

**Richie:** Lol

**Beverly: **Richie babes where are you

**Richie:** Within the arms of God now.

**Bill:** RICHIE

**Beverly: **That’s so ominous wtf

**Beverly:** Richie?

**Beverly: **Rich?

**Bill: **What do you wanna bet that we’ll find him behind a 7/11 trying to fight that racoon again

**Beverly: **As funny as that would be I don’t wanna have to listen to Eddie rant about rabies for another two weeks

**Richie:** Guys this is Eddie. There’s no need to worry, our dumbass trashmouth just climbed through my window and thought it would be funny to fuck with you all for a bit (He’s sleeping right now)

**Richie: **Also fuck you Bev rabies is a real issue

**Beverly** lmao sure

**Bill: **I can’t believe we were actually worried about that dumbass for a moment there

**Stanley:** He’s accident prone, its understandable to be concerned when last week he literally came to school with blood pouring from his nose.

**Bill:** you do have a point

**Stanley: **Of course I do. He’s still a dumbass though.

**Beverly:** Oh that’s a FACT sis uwu

**Stanley:** No.

**Bill: **Careful Beverly, you’ve angered the Stan

**Stanley: **You better shut your whore mouth Denbrough unless you want to suffer the consequences too.

**Beverly: **ALSKFLFKDHD STAN

**Stanley:** Goodnight, I hope you dream of subpar microwave pizza that tastes slightly soggy and leaves you mildly disappointed.

**Bill: **I am truly terrified of you stan

**Stanley:** Go the fuck to sleep

**The next day**

**Ben: **OwO what’s this?

**Stanley:** Oh fuck, not you too.

**Beverly:** Leave him a l o n e stan, he’s been taught well

**Ben:** UwU <3

**Beverly:** Ben you’re a fucking gift

**Beverly** has changed **Ben**’s name to **<3uwu<3**

**<3uwu<3: **UwU thank you Bev <3

**<3uwu<3 **has changed **Beverly**’s name to **<3OwO<3**

**<3OwO<3:** akjshdkfjhskjhdj ily!!!

**<3uwu<3:** ily2!!!!

**Stanley:** Fucking disgusting, I hate romance

**Eddie:** Agreed, its an epidemic

**Richie:** Aww but eds what about us??

**Eddie:** I’d rather kiss Greta’s fucking feet

**Richie:** Damn eds, I didn’t know you were into that kinda stuff

**Eddie:** Shut the fuck up and that’s not my name

**Richie: **I love it when you talk dirty to me, eddie spaghetti

**Richie** has changed **Eddie**’s name to **Spagheddie**

**Spagheddie:** I actually hate you

**Richie:** ily2 boo !

**Mike:** Its like watching a soap opera

**<3OwO<3:** Mike !! My man!!

**Mike:** Beverly !! My woman!!

**<3OwO<3**: Mike and Ben are the only people I respect in this chat

**Stanley:** Beverly.

**<3OwO<3: **You don’t scare me, bird bitch

**<3OwO<3 **has changed **Stanley**’s name to **Birdbitch**

**Birdbitch: **Beverly I am incredibly disappointed.

**Birdbitch **has changed **<3OwO<3**’s name to **Disappointment**

**Disappointment: **I’ll ruin your marriage and steal your kids Stanwey Uwis

**Birdbitch:** I’d like to see you tear apart a non existent marriage Bevewy Mawsh

**Richie:** dam the ho3s be fitin yo

**Spagheddie: **th at spel;ing is atrocious you w h o r e

**Spagheddie:** and if any of you sluts try and correct what I just said I’ll fucking shank you

**Mike: **Everyday I wonder how someone so _small_ could be so angry

**Spagheddie:** Shut your fucking furry mouth

**Mike**: alkjfslAKSJDLKF EDDIE I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ANYONE

**Disappointment: **Okay my battle with Stan is on pause I heard a furry accusation

**Spagheddie:** We were going through his old laptop once and I found commissioned art of his old fursona

**Mike:** YOU DON’T DESERVE RIGHTS

**Spagheddie: **Then you shouldn’t have insulted my honour like that, Michael

**Richie:** God I love it when he gets so mad like this, its so attractive

**Stantheman > Trashmouth**

**Stantheman:** Careful Tozier, your gay is showing.

**Trashmouth:** I’ve said worse things in the chat but you decide to call me out now?

**Stantheman:** I wasn’t really paying attention before and I just felt the urge to bully you.

**Trashmouth:** smh biphobia

**I Hate Clowns**

**Richie: **Ohh Eds, tell me more~

**Disappointment:** that’s not my name

**Birdbitch:** That’s not my name.

**Mike:** that’s not my name

**Ben:** that’s not my name

**Bill: **that’s not my name

**Spagheddie: **smh attacked by my own friends

**Mike:** You had it coming you angry little hobbit

**Spagheddie:** I hate to admit defeat but yeah fair enough

**Richie:** aw man, you guys killed Angry!Eddie

**Disappointment:** omg Angry!Eddie is my favourite Eddie

**Mike:** Remember when Richie said he’d fuck a clown for $5 in a Mcdonalds right infront of Eddies Aunt and Eddie hurled his mcflurry in Richies face

**Ben:** Beverly talks about it everyday

**Disappointment:** I have a video of it saved on my phone

**Spagheddie: **Oh my gOD

**Richie:** One of my favourite Angry!Eddie moments

**Mike:** A real classic

**Disappointment:** Can we all take a moment to just sit in silence and think about that glorious historical moment

**Richie:** I want that video played at my funeral

**Ben:** Better yet, have it played at your Wedding

**Richie:** I don’t think eddie’s mum would be too keen on seeing a video of me talking about boning another man like that

**Spagheddie:** God I hate you

**Richie:** :(

**Disappointment:** Eddie don’t break his heart like that !!

**Spagheddie: **I hope you burn, Richie

**Richie:** :(((((((

**Richie:** Eddie is a cruel, cruel spaghetti

**Spagheddie:** And yet you still like me

**Richie:** What can I say, Eds? You’re irresistible

**Bill:** Now that’s kinda gay.


	2. Chickens are scary yo

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie: I am going to call social services on my parents  
Disappointment: Maggie and Wentworth Tozier are GIFTS why would you do this  
Richie: they told me off for sneaking out to Eddie Spaghetti’s last night :(((((  
BirdBitch: Tragic.

**Richie:** I am going to call social services on my parents

**Disappointment:** Maggie and Wentworth Tozier are GIFTS why would you do this

**Richie: ** they told me off for sneaking out to Eddie Spaghetti’s last night :(((((

**BirdBitch:** Tragic.

**Mike:** You can really feel the empathy oozing from that text

**Bill:** Blease never say ‘oozing’ in any sentence ever again

**Richie:** EXCUSE ME we are SUPPOSED to be talking about MY ISSUES right now, not mikes DELICIOUS usage of the word OOZING

**Mike: **Thanks for defending my rights Richie

**Richie: **youre welcome you BEAUTIFUL FARM AESTHETIC GAY but we MUST discuss this HORRENDOUS HATE CRIME

**<3uwu<3: **Aww Richie, I’m sorry! I’m sure they’ll still let you see Eddie during the day you whiny little bitch!

**Disappointment: ** MY BEAUTIFUL BOYFRIEND BEN HANSCOM EVERYBODY

**Bill: ** Wow ben really went off like that huh

**Mike:** Everyday I thank our lord and saviour Ms Hanscom for this heavenly gift that we call Ben Hanscom

**<3uwu<3: ** Aw thanks guys, but I was only doing my job

**Birdbitch: ** Beverly I am going to steal your boyfriend.

**Disappointment: ** Back off whore

**Bill:** Jesus Christ not again

**Richie: ** BENVERLY IS C A N C E L L E D, STEAL HER MAN STAN AND R U I N HIM

**Bill:** That wasn’t at all aggressive

**Spagheddie: ** He’s worse in bed

**Disappointment: ** ssdfssdsFGFHfjhgJHGHG

**Richie:** Eddie my love!!

**Spagheddie: ** I regret saying anything

**Bill: **Can you DISGUSTING GAYS get your HORRIFIC PINING out of my GODDAMN FUCKING GROUPCHAT

**Richie: ** Uh I’m pretty sure I created this chat, and we’re not pining

**Spagheddie:** Yea you homophobe

**Bill:** I’m going to start s o b b i n g

**<3uwu<3:** The only drama I support is the beauty guru community on Youtube because that shits actually entertaining

**<3uwu<3: ** With you hoes its always the same shit

**Birdbitch:** Beverly come get ur mans

**Disappointment:** Gladly

**Mike:** Everytime Stan types like a normal person I get a fucking heart attack

**Bill:** Lmao you should see the shit Stan texts me at 2 in the morning

**<3uwu<3: ** Now THIS is the kinda shit that I like

**<3uwu<3: ** The suspense? The drama? Thrilling stuff

**Disappointment: ** Now I wanna steal Bills phone just to have a look at this quality staniel content

**Mike: **Yeah Billiam drop that epic staniel content we’ve all been thirsting for

**Disappointment **has changed **Bill**’s name to **Billiam**

**Birdbitch:** Bill you fucking whORE.

**Billiam:** time to bounce sk8ers !

**Birdbitch: ** I AM GOING TO BREAK INTO UR HOUSR AND STEAL GEHORIE

**Richie: ** omg guys his first typo!!

**Billiam:** See you on the flipside gamers !!

**Spagheddie: **Our main mans Billiam is going to get slaughtered

**Birdbitch: ** I CAN RUIN YOU BILLIAM FUCKIMG DENBROUGH

**<3uwu<3:** Okay guys I was kidding tone down the drama a bit

**Mike:** DRAG HIM STAN

**<3uwu<3: ** No seriously! I don’t like it when my friends fight!

**Disappointment: ** OKAY REEL IT IN GAYS

**Birdbitch ** has removed **Billiam** from the chat

**<3uwu<3: **no! apologise and add him back!

**Richie:** Can we just appreciate how ben can go from dragging us all to this sweet pure and innocent being of light and joy?

**Spagheddie:** I think he was only dragging you

**Richie:** I’ll drag your mum in the bedroom tonight you gremlin

**Birdbitch: ** I’m not actually mad at him, Ben.

**<3uwu<3:** Then apologise and add him back!

**Birdbitch: **UGH, fine.

**Stan <3 > Bill…<3**

**Stan <3: ** Ben is making me apologise to you.

**Bill…<3: ** That’s what you get babes

**Stan <3: ** You realise I have to screenshot this and show him?

**Bill…<3: **Oh

**Bill…<3:** We could just tell them, y’know

**Bill…<3:** Unless you’re not ready yet

**Stan <3: ** We probably should. I mean, we’ve been dating for like 3 months already.

**Bill…<3: ** Lmao if we were Richie and Eddie we only would’ve last like a week before telling someone

**Stan <3:** They’re both fucking disasters.

**Stan <3:** Anyway, sorry for kicking you from the chat and yelling at you.

**Bill…<3: **Its all good Staniel

**I Hate Clowns**

**Birdbitch:** [apologyscreenshot.png]

**<3uwu<3: ** thank you! UwU

**Richie:** Lol, staniel

**Richie** has changed **Birdbitch**’s name to **Staniel**

**Staniel** has changed **Richie**’s name to **Trashmouth**

**Trashmouth**: fair

**Disappointment: **Whats all that scribbled out stuff in the screenshot?

**Billiam:** Stan?

**Staniel:** Ah alright its about time anyway

**Staniel: **i don’t even have a reason o keep it secret anymorw

**Disappointment:** Are you okay? If its something personal then you know you don’t have to tell us, right?

**Staniel:** Sorry I’m just nervous, I’m not sure why.

**Billiam:** You don’t have to Stan

**Staniel:** No, it’s fine.

**Staniel: **So, uh… Bill and I have kinda been dating?

**Staniel:** For the past 3 months….?

**Staniel: ** And that scribbled out bit is just us discussing it.

**Disappointment:** Oh my god I’m so happy for you guys!

**<3uwu<3:** Yeah! I’m glad you trusted us enough to tell us!

**Mike:** That’s great guys!

**Spagheddie:** Congrats!

**Trashmouth:** Damn, my mans Big Bill is off the market

**Trashmouth:** But seriously, I’m happy for you guys

**Billiam:** Thanks you guys!

**Staniel:** Yeah, and sorry for keeping it a secret for so long, we just didn’t wanna tell anybody unless it didn’t work out in the end.

**Staniel:** I mean, remember how it was when Bill and Beverly broke up?

**Trashmouth:** God that was awkward

**Spagheddie: ** That was such a weird two weeks

**Staniel:** Yeah, so that’s why we didn’t tell you.

**Disappointment:** You don’t need to apologise Stan, we understand

**Staniel:** Thanks Bev

**Disappointment:** Np boo

**Trashmouth:** I hate to ruin the moment but theres a fucking chicken??? On my doorstep??

**Mike:** Oh my god I’m so sorry

**Trashmouth: ** lol what

**Mike:** Some of our chooks escaped and they’re all over fucking Derry

**Trashmouth:** Do it bite

**Spagheddie:** don’t tell me you’re afraid of a fucking chicken Richie

**Trashmouth:** They’re got fucking soulless eyes eds!

**Spagheddie:** it’s a c h i c k e n

**Mike:** Just open the door and shoo it away a bit, it’ll probably just chill in your yard until I get there

**Trashmotuh:** Okay, time to do this

**Spagheddie:** smh pussy

**Trashmouth: ** DUYFSV FYCI ITSI INS I D E

** Disappointment:** What?

** Trashmouth:** ITS INSIDE

** Spagheddie:** How???

**Trashmouth:** I OPENED THE DOOR TO TRY AND SHOO IT AWAY BUT IT SQWAUKED AT ME AND JUST FUCKING CAME INSIDE OH MY GOD

**Mike: **I’ll be there in half an hour, sorry in advance if it shits inside or ruins and furniture

**Trashmouth:** ITS IN MY H O U S E

**Spagheddie:** Oh my god you wuss

**Furry > Eds <3**

**Furry:** FUCK Eds heLp

**Eds<3:** Are you seriously scared of a _chicken?_

**Furry:** Y e S

**Eds<3:** Oh my god

**Furry: ** Are you coming or not?

**Eds<3: **Okay fine, I’ll be there in a few minutes

**Furry:** Thank you,,

**Eds<3:** No problem loser

When Eddie reached the Tozier’s door he was almost out of breath from sprinting half the way there and he mentally scolded himself for acting so whipped for the other boy. Eddie peered through the open door into the Tozier’s dining/loungeroom, “Richie?” He called out.

“In the kitchen,” replied a quiet voice from the next room over.

Eddie made his way through the dining room to the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks in the entrance to the kitchen. Before him was a slightly ruffled looking Richie crouching on the kitchen bench and holding a spatula as a weapon to ward off a single, fluffy chicken that was looking up at him from the floor.

“Eddie! My knight in shining armour! You came!” Cried Richie cheerfully, although Eddie could see some slight embarrassment on his face.

“I’m starting to regret coming,” Said Eddie flatly, holding back a smile.

Richie nervously glanced down at the chicken on the floor before opening his mouth again, “So, uh… can you…?” he gestured down at the chicken and hoped for Eddie to get the message.

Eddie smiled and rolled his eyes fondly before moving forward and grabbing the chicken, cooing and petting it for a bit and letting it out the kitchen door that lead to the backyard porch. Once he’d released the chicken he wiped his hands on his pants and turned around to face Richie who looked relieved.

“So, you plan on getting down anytime soon?” teased Eddie, gesturing to Richie who remained crouched up on the bench wielding his spatula weapon.

The trashmouth blushed and chuckled nervously, “Right! Yes, sorry,” He said nervously as he jumped down from the bench. “You…uh, you won’t tell anyone, right?” he asked

Eddie could tell he was embarrassed and smiled softly, “I hate to tell you Rich but I think they might’ve already figured out your fear of chickens after what you said in the groupchat,” he said.

Richie’s face fell slightly, “Fuck, they’re gonna make fun of me, aren’t they?”

Eddie felt bad for the taller boy, he knew how much Richie hated being viewed as weak, “Well,” he replied, “You could always say that I came over to help or something but got more scared than you and you had to get rid of the chicken yourself?”

A smile took over Richies face, “Awwww, Eds! You’d sacrifice your dignity for little, ol’ me?” he cooed as he wrapped his arms around the shorter boy, “I knew you loved me deep down!”

Eddie rolled his eyes but melted into the hug and rest his head on Richies chest, “That’s not my name,” he murmured jokingly and didn’t hold back a smile when Richie chuckled fondly and hugged him tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Peepee

**Author's Note:**

> This was kinda rushed and pretty messy, sorry


End file.
